I am Enough

My entire life, I have struggled so much with the question, “Is it enough?” and on the flip side, “Is it too much?” This has applied to nearly aspect of my life – exercise, dieting and weight loss, meditation, alcohol, AA, work, parenting, school, creativity, self-care, marital partnerships, and on and on and on.

Ask any serious athlete what the number one question is that they get from others, and I guarantee that in the top three is something along the lines of “When am I overtraining and need to rest vs. when I’m being a wimp and need to push through?” And invariably, the answer is always something along the lines of, “Listen to your body… You’ll know.”

Fucker…if I KNEW, I wouldn’t ask the question… What kind of Yoda shit is that?

And this could essentially be the question and answer at any given moment, including today. In the five hours since I’ve been up, I’ve considered:

Shouldn’t I go to the gym today? I haven’t gone for two days… I’m so tired. Maybe I need another day of rest. Or maybe I’m just slacking off and making excuses. Maybe I should give myself a break. Maybe I should get off my ass and go to the gym…

The house is a mess and I have three major deadlines looming. I should start some laundry. I should also do the ironing, it’s piling up. But I need to focus on the deadlines. Maybe I should work late again tonight. But I worked late last night – nearly 17 hours. But the ironing… Let it go. Another day or two won’t kill anything. The bathroom sink is gross. When is the last time I cleaned the bathroom? The house is fine. Stop being so anal. Nobody gives a shit about your sink being a little grimy. No one even goes in there but you and Mr. 2.0 and he sure as hell doesn’t care. But I made a commitment to myself to keep the house clean…

When was the last time I meditated? Last week? Jesus, no wonder I feel so squirrelly. I need to carve out 15 minutes to get that done. It’s important. Yes, but there are other things that are important. I’ll just try to get to it later. It’s fine. I’m not going to die if I don’t meditate today. That’s what I say everyday…

There’s more, but I won’t subject you to any more of my schizoid self-talk. You get it. Basically, I’m constantly asking myself whether I’m overtraining or should take a rest day. Even the question itself is exhausting.

I often wonder if this is a “me’ thing or a “we thing”. Surely, I can’t be the only person in the world pulled this way and that by the numerous things I feel like I should be doing all at the same time. I would hate to think THAT’S what sets me apart from others – my own personal brand of neuroticism.

In my moments of sanity, of course I know that’s not the case. And I know that at the end of the day, the only thing that matters, the one thing that keeps me pointing due North is this simple phrase:

I am enough.

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