Monologue

Sometimes I feel as though I’m still a little kid, with all these grandiose ideas about some big “thing” I’m going to do with really no concept of what it all entails and no plan for how I’m going to pull it off. Six months ago, I was all, “I’m going to mediate every day, and do yoga, and write and drink fresh-squeezed hemp milk.” Today, I’m like, “How many episodes of Girls can I squeeze in before we lose free HBO and how many full-frontal nudity shots of Lena Dunham does that entail?”

The truth is, I’m vacillating between feeling like a total fucking failure, a fraud who presented herself as an enlightened woman, roaring into this era of the 40s like some sort of visionary only to crash and burn in less than a year, and just a girl who is doing her level fucking best to not self-implode. Every morning it’s a bit of a mystery of what I’ll wake up to.

Life gets hard. And when life gets hard, meditation doesn’t pop right up to the front of my rattled brain as the way to push through it. And getting to yoga class feels like too much work if I want to get there early enough to place my mat in the back of the room so no one has to stare at my ass the entire class. So eventually I stop doing all the things I sat at my kitchen table and swore were part of my new life, because life gets in the way.

This begs the question of whether I’m a failure or not. Or whether I am insincere about my goals. Or You whether I’m just an imposter.

But what if I give myself a little bit of grace? What if, instead of telling myself this is one more example where I came up with some hair-brained idea that I’m not following through on, I speak to myself as if speaking to a dear friend.

“You’re doing a great job!

“I’m so proud of you!”

“You can do this!”

“What do you need from me?”

When we speak to ourselves like a naughty child, we remove the opportunity for growth and grace. If, instead, we speak to ourselves like we would our best girlfriend, we find a space where we want to do better because someone knows we can. And that someone is ourselves.

So no, I’m not meditating these days. And I’m not really writing much, either. But I am working, and exercising, and maintaining a healthy diet and most importantly, I’m maintaining my sobriety. And I still feel as though I’m in a period of redefining my life because let’s face it, we are always changing and growing, unless we make the distinct decision to stop. Our natural state is movement. To not move takes more energy than to move in one direction or another. And I choose to move towards grace and love.

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